From as far as I can remember, I felt unhappy and alone. I have never seen a candid photo of myself as a child where I was smiling. The only smiling photos were those where I was told to smile. Before I was eight years old I wrote wills, hoping to die and wanting to make sure my "stuff' was distributed where I wanted it.
As I got older into my teen years, I didn't think about dying as much-I guess because I figured out that such thoughts were not normal. But I was still unhappy. I didn't have close friends. I could never open up to other people. As I became an adult I looked for people to love me, but since I was never really happy, most of my relationships failed. I tried counseling, but nothing really helped.
When I married my current husband ten years ago, I finally found love. But since I was still an unhappy person we had many problems. Often he would ask me why I always seemed so unhappy. Finally I began seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed me as clinically depressed with anxiety. I felt relieved that there was an explanation!!! Then I started taking anti-depressants.
The drugs relieved some symptoms, but had so many bad side effects. I couldn't think clearly and my brain seemed to turn to mush. This is a bad thing when you are a college professor of economics and need to analyze situations. I had dry mouth all the time. This was minor but very uncomfortable in front of a class. I had no sexual desire. The depression caused some of this, I think, but the drugs really made it worse. I began to put on weight, which is not healthy for someone with a family history of heart disease and diabetes.
When I talked to Dr. Bashir about the side effects of the medications, he gave me literature on the TMS procedure.
I noticed changes within the first week. A knot I had had in my stomach forever suddenly was gone. I actually laughed a couple of times that week. From then I felt more relaxed and happy—for the first time in as long as I could remember. It just kept getting better throughout the treatment process. It has been six months since I finished my treatments. I have a whole new life. My husband is always saying how different I am—happy, loving, and fun to be around. Many of my friends have commented on the change.
It has changed my life in more ways than I can describe.